Saturday, November 1, 2014

Small

Two related things have been happening over the last several months.  One is that I've been feeling very, very lost.  Directionless.  The other is that, because of this, and a few other things, my anxiety is once again through the roof.

I thought having a few volunteer commitments end, and my kids having new school schedules, would mean more time.  And who doesn't want that?  So I was looking forward to the school year.  I was looking forward to getting some shit done around here.  Cleaning up my house and organizing our stuff.  And, as a result, maybe our family could spend more quality time together?  Was that too much to ask?  Am I setting my expectations too high?  OK.  Maybe.  I've been known to do that on occasion.

So here's where I stand.  After a summer that turned out not quite like I expected, the school year started.  And even though my commitments have ended, my kids are just as busy- if not more so- than ever.  Which means I'm busy running around after them, while I try to get my stuff done too.  And I'm just not as successful as I'd like to be.  And then my anxiety goes up because nothing is getting done and what if I get hit by a car tomorrow and everything is still a mess?  What will my family do then?

Speaking of my family, I've been worried about my kids.  For no good reason because they are honestly just fine.  School is going great for The Girl and reasonably very well for The Boy.  I worry about their social lives.  Which are also just fine, but the fact that neither of them are at schools with their closest friends makes me worry about how they and their friends could grow apart.  Which would stink because I like their close friends and their extended families.

And that brings me to the other issue behind the anxiety.  I worry about my kids' friends' parents getting tired of me too.  I can not begin to tell you how pathetic that looks written out and how small that makes me feel.  But there you have it.  To be fair, this pertains more to The Boy's friends than The Girl's.  Probably because we've known them longer, and we've become close with a few of them over the years.  I'd be very sad to lose any of them.  The Boy's three closest friends have mothers who work.  And they work in interesting jobs and two of them are also doing amazing volunteer work as well.  And right now I'm…just not.

This didn't feel like an issue when I was volunteering a lot of my time over the last few years.  But now that I'm not even doing that I feel uninteresting.  I realize that there shouldn't be anything wrong with taking some time off to concentrate on my family for a year or two- I have every intention of getting back into something by the time The Girl is in kindergarten in two years.  And yet.  I'm just not active in the way that I used to be and that's clearly taking a toll on my self worth.

So this is how I'm starting the month.  Probably in some stage of a mid-life crisis of sorts.  Worried about everything, feeling like a teenager trying to hang out with the cool kids, and second-guessing myself.  In the meantime doing a half-assed job of getting anything else done that I'm hoping to.  Because life and anxiety are both getting in the way.  Feeling small.  The optimist in me has high hopes that things will only get better from here.



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