Now April Is Over! Here's Some Music...

Back in November I confessed to being in a music rut of sorts.  I'm doing marginally better with this in 2013.  Following is some new (to me, anyway) music that I've been listening to this month.

I have to give a lot of credit to BAGel Ted at BAGel Radio for getting me out of my music rut.  If you haven't tuned into him you really should.  He is awesome.  Pittsburgh is lucky to have some truly great radio- three public stations and two college stations (I don't know why you would ever sit through radio commercials in this town).  And yet.  When I can, I find myself going to BAGel Radio out of San Francisco.  BAGel Ted is probably my favorite dj anywhere (no offense to anyone I used to work with).  He has a good sense of history, while at the same time, embracing lots of new and fantastic music.  He can mix it up like no one else.

OK.  I'll stop gushing now.  These first two videos are bands I've discovered on BAGel Radio in the past few weeks.

Vampire Blow Let's Go Out

Yes.  Let's.  They seem like nice Danish lads.  Such a great song and the video is good fun too.  It reminds me of the videos of my youth.  sigh.  Their EP Unicorn comes out this week.  I have made a note on my to-do list to check that out asap.

Pretty & Nice Yonkers  

I've listened to several of their songs now and I pretty much love everything that I've heard.  They seem to have been around for several years, so I feel spectacularly out of the loop for just now finding out about them.  Their release Golden Rules for Golden People also comes out this week.  Another one to add to my to-do list.


This next band was brought to my attention courtesy of my son.  Because it has come to that.

Macklemore & Lewis feat. Ray Dalton Can't Hold Us

Actually, the Boy introduced me to Thrift Shop.  He and his friends were really into the video.  After I heard this song and Same Love I went out and bought The Heist.  The writing is smart and the music is catchy.  I don't often buy hip hop, (Beastie Boys being the exception) but I really like this album.  And this song.  I love this song.   I couldn't love it any more if I tried.  It is a perfect song from start to finish.  The Girl and I throw this one on repeat.  All the time.


Johnny Marr Upstarts

You can break up the band, but my love for the members will never die.  And The Messenger is a damn fine album.  Oh, Johnny.  It's good to have you back.

Any one else I should be sure to check out in May?  Let me know in the comments.

It's a Privilege

A few weeks ago I became concerned about my memory.  It used to be so, so sharp.  I could- and still very often do- vividly recall many memories.  All the way back to the tender age of three.  (Although my earliest memory is probably closer to age two.)  Names, birthdays, phone numbers, other peoples family members, an infinite supply of insignificant details, all of this stuff lives inside my head.  Don't ask me anything about high school math, but if you want to know my high school boyfriend's sister's middle name I can totally tell it to you (it's Louise- and, by the way, her birthday is June 13).  I'm sure that you feel richer for that knowledge.  You're welcome.

Names and faces are a big deal.  People so appreciate it when you remember them- especially if you didn't have much previous interaction with them, or if you haven't seem them in a while.  To be remembered is flattering.  I used to remember people like 95% of the time.  At least until recently.  It feels like my memory is slipping, fading, something.  It's a little frightening.  And then I think is it age?  Is this some kind of subtle side effect from the cancer, or from no longer having a thyroid?  Or is this all, as a friend assured me recently, I-now-have-a-second-child syndrome?  And, as the girl gets older, will my memory go back to the way it was?  Good God, I hope so.  I hate not feeling like myself.  Also, when you have a reputation for being good with names, people really take it quite personally when you don't remember them.  I mean, I don't take it personally when people don't remember me.  But then, my expectations aren't terribly high either.

Anyway.  Aging.  I hope that this isn't an early warning that I'm aging incredibly fast, or that I'm headed for early onset Alzheimer's, or something like that.  My grandmother was just diagnosed with early stage dementia, but she's 93.  Which, everything after 90 just seems like gravy to me.  I should be so lucky to live to be 93.  And to have one of my kids look after me the way my mom looks after her mother.  It makes all the difference.

Living to age 90 would be fantastic. That seems like a good, rich, long life.  The things that you would get to see in 90 years would just be amazing.  The world around you, to say nothing of your own family, and all of the changes that you would witness.  Incredible.  Whenever I feel like I'm getting old, losing my memory, looking old and tired, all the things that bother me about no longer being 30, I have to remind myself that aging is a privilege.  Last year, when I had cancer, there was a time when I was terrified that I wouldn't make it to 44 or 45.  A time when I would have given anything to make sure that I could be guaranteed to have those years.  And, honestly, I still would.  

So, It's April Now!

Where the fuck did March go?  Watching my writing and blog-upkeep slip away from me last month, two things suddenly made a lot of sense.  First, I understood why my last post in 2010 was written on March 2.  And secondly, I understood why, when I began blogging again last year, I didn't start until the end of May.  Even though I got my diagnosis a month before.  And I went to the doctor a month before that.

Basically, March just usually kind of sucks over here.

All of my obligations seem to get busy in March.  I never think that March is going to be busy because the actual events take place in April.  But of course, we have to spend time getting ready for them in March- the month that I keep telling myself will be the month when I can relax because... clearly I have problems remembering this shit from year to year?

Anyway.  One thing that I learned last month is that people seem to be increasingly entitled and selfish.  So yea for that.   It didn't matter which project I was working on.  People felt the need to either try to get inside information, or work angles, or make demands- sometimes at the expense of others, or bully people, or cover their own asses.  And all of these things are sometimes people just giving in to their basic human nature, I guess.  But it would be nice if once in a while people would think about themselves as being a part of a larger community, and how their actions impacted the lives of other people in the community- including children.

Statements like this are the reason my husband likes to refer to me as a communist.

Of course, I do realize that there are many, many people out there doing amazing work for the communities that they live in- both large and small.  I work with people every day who work incredibly hard at making their corner of the world a better place.  I just wish that there were more of them.  People like that were in particularly short supply in my life last month.  Maybe April will be different.

(Can you believe that yesterday I was told that I am an optimist?  And that I was referred to as a 'glass-half-full person'?  And someone said that I was a very positive person and they felt that they should hang out with me more?  Maybe all of my negativity just comes out when I write.)

Not everything around here is doom, gloom, and me being so fucking judgey.  Today happens to be our wedding anniversary.  Sixteen years of wedded bliss.  It was drizzly and chilly in Pittsburgh the day we got married, and today's forecast looks to be about the same.  We celebrated our anniversary last week by going out to a fantastic dinner and then going to see Book of Mormon (hilarious!).  My in-laws had such a good time watching the kids that they've insisted on coming back this week so we could go out to dinner on our actual anniversary.  My husband is thrilled because it means the house will get (sort of) cleaned two weeks in a row.  woo hoo!  And, of course, we're also excited to go get delicious food in a grown up restaurant twice in one month.  I can't remember the last time that happened.

I was going to post a picture of my husband and I here as happy newlyweds, but we got married in 1997.  Which means everyone was still using this thing called film and just about all of my pictures from the twentieth century were taken that way.  So they're in books and photo boxes.  (Fun fact- the first two years of my son's life are also mostly on film because even in the early 21st century I was resistant to digital cameras.  I can remember telling my husband how much I liked film and that's what I was going to use and blah, blah, blah.  And now I want to get a scanner so I can have all of my children's pictures on the computer and my husband can't roll his eyes at me often enough when this comes up.  What did I think?  That digital cameras were a passing fad?) 

Instead I'll post a video.  The spring we got married Odelay was everywhere.  It had been out for over ten months, but apparently people couldn't get enough of it.  We heard the album so much that weekend, we joked with our friends that it was the unofficial soundtrack to our wedding.  I have a distinct memory of riding to the reception in the limo with our friends, all of us singing along to Devil's Haircut.  You're lucky I'm not posting a recording of that.

Balancing Act

It was a hard afternoon.

I was dropping off some fliers after school when I was asked to stop into the principals office.  Before going in I was told that a mutual friend had already stopped into her office and voiced some concerns.  I felt kind of ill. 

This wasn't completely unexpected.  There have been some ongoing issues at school this month and more than a few people spoke up at the monthly school meeting last week.  The day of the meeting my son had gotten in trouble, so for that-and other reasons- I thought it best to keep my mouth shut, even though I sit on the board.  So here I was instead, having a surprise meeting with the principal.

The meeting lasted for almost two hours.  It started off with pointed questions about my perspective, and of any perspectives other parents may be sharing with me.  My answers were slower and less eloquent than I would have liked- a lot of searching for the right words, a lot of me not wanting to offend while trying to get my point across.  Something I don't always find easy to do when I'm caught off guard, so my answers felt rambling and clumsy.  Made all the more so by me simultaneously trying to keep my toddler entertained with videos on my phone.  I was completely unprepared.

The meeting ended on what sort of felt like a good note, I guess.  Action being taken, more to come, etc.  I left the meeting exhausted though.  Then I had to go to my friend's house to pick up the boy.  Another friend was there too, so I got to sit through another meeting of sorts.  How did everything go?  What was said about this or that?  And then they weighed in on what they thought was good or bad.  When it was time to go the boy was acting up, so I got to have a fight on the way home with him.  We walked in the door arguing- a really nice way to greet the husband- and then we all spent the rest of the evening feeling sort of antagonistic.  And I drank too much wine for a Tuesday in which I had hoped to be more productive, and then I wasn't at all.  yea me.

I went to bed, but couldn't sleep.  The only thing I could think to do was write this all down.  I've started and not finished at least three posts since the beginning of the month- at least one of them a far more important and informative post than this.  But this is the one getting done.  Because I can't fucking sleep.

While trying to sleep, I realized that a big part of my problem tonight is that I felt like I ended the day disappointing everyone on some level.  I am, by nature, a diplomat.  That's not just me talking- I've had that pointed out to me over the years time and again by friends and people I work with.  Usually, it's a pretty good trait to have.  But there are times, like today, when I feel that I'm tactful to a fault.  I'm sure that my friends wanted me to go into the principals office today and not pull any punches, really lay it out there.  Maybe even the principal would have appreciated a little more tough talk from me, who knows?  I will say that I don't think that the first hour of our conversation went as well as our second half.  Is it because I spent too much time trying to carefully phrase my responses?  Quite possibly.  But that's not me.  I'm direct- I wasn't evading questions- but I'm tactful.  And I have a child at the school who is mostly a good kid but does occasionally fuck up and is there for one more year and I can't really afford to burn any bridges.  Especially since I'd like the girl to go there in a few years too.

Here's the other thing about being diplomatic.  I can almost always see both sides of a situation.  Even when I have a strong opinion about something, I still usually have at least a glimmer of understanding on where the other side is coming from.  This situation has strong feelings on both sides and  today I felt like I was walking on a tightrope, trying to strike a balance between advocating for the parents and maintaining a good relationship with the school.  Also in these situations, I'm happier when we move on from the fighting and start working on solutions.  I'm sure that this is a reaction I developed from having parents who did a lot of fighting before ending their marriage in a nasty divorce.  It's probably also why the second half of today's meeting went better than the first half.  It's exhausting and I came home questioning if this is a position I feel like being in.  Will these issues continue into next year?  Possibly.  Maybe I shouldn't be the one on the tightrope.  Maybe someone with surer footing would be a better choice.

Then maybe I would get more sleep.  But not bloody likely. 

Because You Can't, You Won't, and You Don't Stop

I can't stop listening to Ill Communication this week.  It's like I've rediscovered it or something.  It is perfection.

It's also making me miss MCA.  I always feel ridiculous saying stuff like that.  Because obviously I didn't know him personally.  But still.  He was a genius.  And a good, good man.  And he was gone too soon.

At least we still have the music.

Me & My Parotid

After I wrote my last post I had a revelation.  Gee.  Maybe I should tell my endocrinologist.  I mean, I had come to the conclusion that this issue was most likely a direct result of the radioactive iodine.  So, really, I should probably let him know.

I sent an email to him and S., his nurse.  I was impressed to hear from her just two hours later.  She called me at home.

She said that this was fairly common, and that six months after the RAI treatment was about the right time to have an issue with my parotid gland.  I told her about going to the dental surgeon.  She said that the dentist's advice about ibuprofen and heat was good.  And she also said that using lemon drops again would be helpful.  The only other thing S. mentioned that I should be doing is called 'milking'.  In a hot shower, soak a washcloth, press it up against the area that's sore, and then press in and move the washcloth down toward the jugular.  Sort of like the massage I had read about, only a little more specific.

S. also mentioned that if I experienced face swelling or pain to let them know right away.  Apparently there is a doctor in town who deals with this sort of thing- his specialty is helping patients who have complications with their salivary glands due to RAI treatment.  My first thought was, that's awesome!  So many people on the message boards seem to have endocrinologists who are clueless about the side effects, let alone able to refer them to local specialists.  But then I realized that we have a specialist in Pittsburgh because it's so common here.  So, yea us? 

Anyway.  It's been several days since I spoke with S. and I have to say that I'm feeling much better.  The pain is gone, it just feels like I have a small area close to my ear that's still swollen.  The massage and lemon drops seem to be helping a lot, and I'm hopeful that this will completely clear up very, very soon.   

Does Your Face Hurt?

Because it's killing me.

That hilarious 5th grade joke has been in my head for the past week.  Because actually, my face does hurt. 

It started Thursday evening.  My left jaw muscle seemed a little sore.  I didn't think much of it though until Friday, when it continued to be sore all day long.  Each day over the weekend was a little worse than the day before.  Especially first thing in the morning.

My first thought, of course, was ohmigod the cancer has returned and now it's in my jaw!  It was the only logical conclusion.  For about an hour anyway, until I calmed myself down and realized how ridiculous that sounded.  Even just to me, because I certainly didn't share that gem with anyone out loud.  Sometimes I've got a pretty good filter for the crazy that goes on in my head.

Anyway, after calming myself down, my next thought was that it must have something to do with the extraction I had at the beginning of January.  I called my dentist Saturday morning and left her a message.  She never called back...which I have mixed feelings about.  But by the end of the weekend I did realize that 1) this was not an emergency (I could still eat, open my mouth, etc.), and 2) that face/ jaw pain may not be her area of expertise.

So, Monday morning I placed a call to the oral surgeons who did my extraction.  They made an appointment for me on Tuesday.  And then Tuesday morning another thought occurred to me.  Could it be something with the radioactive iodine (RAI) again?  Why yes.  Yes it could.  I came across several message boards where people who had been treated for thyroid cancer complained about face pain anywhere from a week to nine months later.  It's been about six months for me.  The issues range from problems with salivary glands, to TMJ, to Trigeminal neuralgia.  I wasn't sure what to think.

I went in to see Dr. D.  and talk with her about the pain.  She was very nice.  She took a quick look inside and out to say that she didn't see any immediate issues, the site of the tooth extraction looked really good, etc.  I brought up salivary glands and RAI.  She started to say, 'Oh no.  That couldn't happen because the RAI only goes after your thyroid cells.'  I told her that actually, when you go in for the RAI treatment they specifically tell you that you can experience trouble with your salivary glands.  That I was told to suck on lemon drops right after the treatment for a few days.  She was surprised and had never heard of this before.  'Well', she said, 'your parotid gland is in the same area where you're experiencing the pain.'  So she took another look.

Turns out my left salivary gland is not functioning as well as the one on the right.  Source of pain found!  I told her that I had read on one of the boards (thank God for the boards, by the way) that I should either try sucking on lemons or at least go back to the lemon drops.  She said that would be good since it will stimulate salivation.  She recommended ibuprofen and heat for the pain.  I also just read today that massage will be good for it too.

The pain is better today than it has been.  The lemon drops seem to be helping as do the heat and massage, although I'm doing those less frequently.  When I do any of those things I get sort of a salty taste in my mouth.  From what I've read that seems to indicate that these things are working and I'm making progress.  I'm hoping that this trend continues.  I know that for some people the pain never goes away.